Left Alone

It is a difficult choice to make, whenever I am hanging/going out with a big group of friends (like maybe a group of 5 – 6 people), if should I stick to A or stick to B, or C & D. There will always be a sub-clique in a clique.

You see, I have this bad habit of always trying to barge into someone’s sub-clique, because I am afraid of loneliness. Loneliness is something I am terrified of (if listed under my list of fears it would be second, after oblivion). I guess my fear of loneliness derived from my rather bad social experience in Primary School.

I was constantly picked on in the later part of my Primary School life because people (at that time) in my class deemed me as an “unoriginal vegetarian freak who has no life” all because of me using this same blogskin template at that time “good friend”. She disliked me ever since after that. People started alienated me after that, and I barely had any friends left. All I could do was to seek solace in the school library. The school library since then was as thou my holy shrine. It was the mere comfort I had left in Primary School. I don’t really remember all the “bully incidents” but I do remember being subjected to a lot of cyber-bullying and online hate. What really went downhill, was when this classmate of mine poured water into the content of my bag. I got so upset that I ran to the bathroom to mull over the “why me” charade (which I admit, was kind of silly and redundant). This whole saga really made me envy the friendship others had so easily when I seem to have difficulty trying to even make new friend. Hence, the whole “fear of loneliness” began.

Back to topic, it is difficult for me to make a choice between which sub-clique I should side with whenever there is a conflict, I prefer to be neutral but neither side will believe it. Yet my fear of loneliness hampered my independency to strive it out alone. I have yet to overcome my fear, which really do sucks a lot, something is holding me back. Perhaps one day I will root out the source of my fear and eliminate this once and for all



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