One of the hardest thing that I had to do this year was to force myself to fall out of love. Not because I had a choice to begin with. Figuring out how to stop loving him was difficult. There wasn’t a choice in the first place. The thing about falling in love is this, you don’t always get to choose when to tap out. I wasn’t ready to tap out, but he was. I had no choice but to force myself to give up. It was painful. It is still painful. Somedays I could look at his picture, talk about him without wanting to die. Somedays, just seeing him online hurts more than anything. He wanted to remain as friends as he said he still care about me, but it was too much for me. After finding out that the possibility that he could have already been cheating on me, Even that aside, he did emotionally cheated on me 1 month before the break up and gaslighted me. I decided it was enough. I totally stopped messaging him. I decided to cut all contact. He told my friend the reason we broke up was due to many issues that keep happening again. But to me, I was willing to work out things, he wasn’t. He blamed me for being too paranoid after the emotional cheating. But who wouldn’t. He invalidated my reaction to his emotional cheating and all the other chain reaction to it, saying that I was over reacting. He gaslighted me in that way. He broke me even after the breakup. Now he’s with someone new, so soon so quick after the breakup, that its almost impossible that nothing happened between them during the last month of their relationship together. I decided for the last time recently that I deserved so much better than a guy who didn’t gave me his 100%. I gave him my 100%, yet he said I didn’t. But did he truely ever tried loving me. I don’t know the answer to any of that, but I do know that I didn’t just gave him my 100%, but my all, my future, everything, but I didn’t feel 100% loved by him. I wished that maybe things would have turned out less cruelly for me, but I know myself, I wouldn’t appreciate myself if I didn’t experienced everything that happened. Have I gotten over him? Maybe. I caught myself feeling something for someone else recently. I have no definite answer to anything related to my feelings or emotions these days, but I do know that at the end of this relationship I understood that the true worth of myself, my beauty, my emotional health is never dependent on anyone else but myself. I still don’t think I would want to be involved in yet another relationship, but I do want to savour every single feeling out of this experience. 2019 was full of downs. I will make the remaining 1.5 months left to make 2019 a blast, I will change everything myself. Not to chance, fate or anything else, but myself.
Been busy with school this semester, with it being my last year in poly.
Thought that everything was settled, but nah as usual I was wrong.
So numbed to it already – is this even normal
Its been a while since I logged in, and I received a notification that it’s been 2 years since I started hanging out here on WordPress.
Been a 2 long years, and many years to go.
Hopefully I will be back soon again.
I have too much anger and pent up frustration.
Unlike what people would think that at least I can confide in someone with my anger.
No, said person don’t exist.
Can neither rant online nor offline.
Just waiting for all these overdue anger and frustration to reach its limit.
One day, I’m gonna be a goner.
Be back real soon x
FINALLY THERE IS WIFI CONNECTION AFTER A WEEK T_T
I no longer need to rely on my phone data for connection. :”) (and that probably explains my absence everywhere)
Went to USS last week with my friends, and y e a h
I have a problem with heights so rollercoaster rides are sooo not my type of rides. However, my friends kind of forced me to sit on almost all the rides here in USS so that at least I can get my money’s worth and also grow some – aptly put, “balls”.
Well, at least I managed to sit on every ride but Cyclon and Human. Its still too much for me.
However, even after sitting on almost all the rides USS can offer, my fear/problem with heights is still there to say so y e a h. I can barely even cross overhead bridge without slightly feeling uncomfortable.
So apparently, I kind of liked The Mummy ride? Even though it was kinda violent, but it was refreshing I guess. Kudos to my friends tho for being super persistent till the end of the trip in pushing me to sit on the Cyclon and Human but hey, my stubbornness is the best out there :”)
Had lunch at the Lost World, they have a “vegetarian menu” consisting of one dish only.
what a menu. It was crispy noodles with soup of the day. Well, crispy noodles pretty decent. It cost me $11.50 for lunch. I guess I can’t be too demanding because its the only place (?) that caters to my food preference so I haz tough luck.
Well on a brighter note, I kind of liked their wet rides (two only). The one in the Lost World was my favourite. The one in Madagascar was more of entertaining – it was one of the last ride we sat and by then we were all exhausted (okay maybe not me).
Had some “photoshoot” session that my friends wanted. Didn’t really take much as I don’t really like taking pictures like that.
Walked around the “town” area of USS, harassed poor Pinocchio, and we might have overstayed in certain places – but hey, spending over fifty bucks to enter this place, I should get my money’s worth >:)
I would go back to USS one day – but not anytime soon tho.
But I guess my trip to USS is pretty fun. I shall leave a picture of me, sneaking a peak at you – my readers 😉
For a moment, Feburary felt like a really really long month until I realised that there is only 9 days left till March.
Now I am on my break and nothing really interesting goes on. At least I am going to Universal Studios next Wednesday and Coney Island with the class next Friday. Yay.
Will attempt to overcome my fear of heights in Universal Studios tho, will definitely blog about the trip 😎
Probably drop a few pictures here and there from the trip to both events so stay tuned I guess.
Guess I should be sleeping now, g’morning.
The past few months have been crazy for me – clinicals and debates. Supposedly I had to give up on debates due to the very very hectic schedule but I refuse to. So yeah, had to kindof balance clinicals and debate trainings and the reading up of materials (both clinics and debates). Despite the busy schedule, at least I managed to get back into the habit of reading again, so 🙂
Its not fun tho, especially when there have been people who constantly questions my choice of trying to balance both, to the point that I will feel so distraught and angry that I would be on the brink of shoving red hot chili down their throats. So helpful.
I guess its all starting to calm down because its nearing the end of the Semester. Gonna have my break soon (after Chinese New Year). Am hoping to have more time for shows, games and definitely more manga.
All that aside, I am afraid of this person. Not say afraid like scared, but more of afraid of talking to this person. Nope, not a crush but more of someone of authority. Wondering on how to convince that person to allow me to do what I want to do so badly, but that said person have a habit of making someone to do something that they don’t like subtlety. Any suggestions on how I could tackle her head on? Hoping that it all goes well with the person.
Well, I guess I need to find a new pointer in life, as my current one is like dying out. Recontract? Not so sure anymore.
Cya next time when I write here again :’)
Pardon my half assed attempt at writing daily for the past one year. Its time to buck up and start doing this.
Even though its been 3 weeks into 2016, I would like to attempt to write at least something everyday.
It has been a pretty weird start to 2016.